I am terribly afraid of public speaking. It is not something I’ve ever enjoyed. The idea that I would stand in front of a group of people that I know and speak about a given topic truly frightens me. It’s one of my few actual fears. It’s something I realized in elementary school that I hated, and I’ve spent the next 25 years or so avoiding it at any and all costs. This avoidance has turned into a lack of skill and callous to the discomfort.

But why is that? What’s so harmful of speaking? What’s to be afraid of?

I am afraid of appearing a fool. Too much of my ego is tied up in being intelligent. If I say something stupid, or look silly, then I’ve just become vulnerable in front of a crowd. That’s scary to me.

I care far too much about what others think of me as well. I recently tried to record a video speaking on this same topic, and it turned into a ramble largely due to my lack of prep and nerves. Not to mention, I started filming myself no less than 3 separate times before this recording, stopping immediately because people were approaching and I was afraid to be holding my phone out on a gimbal in front of me talking to myself. I also ended the video abruptly due to another man walking onto the secluded platform I’d sequestered myself onto because I was too nervous to walk the beautiful riverfront path and dare be judged by passers by, whom I have little chance ever knowing.

Strangers! Why? What do I care about what they think? Would I care that they knew my political leanings? My favorite foods? My favorite movie? Would I care what they thought of my favorite music? Not really. So why does this bother me so? Am I so afraid of being seen as some dorky wanna-be influencer by someone whose opinion I care little for?

I hate this about myself. So I set a goal that 2026 would be the year I break myself of this. It goes hand in hand with some other goals that I have, chief of which is increased ability to communicate my ideas effectively in all forms. So if you follow that Youtube channel, get prepared to see some really shit videos of me rambling to myself and then studying them like game tape, because I’ll get better at it. Hard to be a leader that doesn’t speak well.